WEDDING

Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses to codify the love of these two and join them together in matrimony as husband and wife. Elisa and Seth, this honorably commended moment is not to be entered into unadvisédly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisédly and solemnly. These two persons present now come to be joined in love. True love. That dream within a dream. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

 

Wait, sorry, can I just stop a second?

 

Wedding ceremonies are strange, right? Even for an actor, standing up here, dressed to the nines, rocking flowers, and being stared at by a gaggle of nearly two-hundred of your closest friends and family seems a little forced. The marriage ceremony itself has jumped in and out of every culture, religion, generation, and society for millennia. Some have seen it as a private matter. Others see it as a giant party where anyone you meet ought to come to share in the festivities. In fact, the only thing that seems to be culturally universal is, broadly, marriage itself. The idea that human beings can and should form a permanent and committed bond pervades across the human experience. But why?

 

There's something deep within us that expresses itself as cultural universals. Rites of passage, like what we have gather for today. Poetry, like these fine words I'm laying down right now. And magic.

 

That's another weird one, isn't it? Human beings are incredibly good at finding patterns. So much so, that we sometimes find them where they don't even exist. When we ascribe meaning to these illogical or imaginary patterns, experts call this "magical thinking." I always thought magical thinking was using a Psion instead of a Wizard, but I'm reading this out of a Dungeons & Dragons rulebook, so what do I know? That's a joke for, like, ten people in the audience. You're welcome.

 

So, hey, I'm a D&D guy, but that doesn't make me the expert on magic. I'm an expert, because I've found my true love. She's over there. Lookin’ good. And that line was scripted, but it’s still true.

 

See, we're all put here into chaos, yet some of us can think magically long enough to see the pattern, whether or not it's even there. That magical thinking leads us to the perfect person for us. That magical thinking isn't driven by love, but, in fact, IS love. Everyone experiences love differently. The Apostle John said, "God is love," and, if that's true, then to love is to know the divine. The Talmud seems to agree, as it states, "Three things have a faint savor of the world to come: Sabbath, the sun, and married love." "The power of love is a curious thing, Make a one man weep, make another man sing, Change a heart to a little white dove, More than a feeling, that's the power of love." Even Huey Lewis gets it.

 

So, Great Scott, guys. You've got magic powers, because you found the magical mystical force in the universe. Because despite all of our differences, love is what we all share. It's the great unifier—our one universal truth. That no matter who we are, where we've come from, what we believe, we all know this one thing: love is what we're doing right. That's why you both are standing here. That's why you all are here to watch them stand up here. We have all loved in our lifetimes, and in this moment, we're reminded that the ability to love is the very best part of our humanity.

 

But love is not an end unto itself. If love is magic, then, certainly, there is danger in wielding that kind of power without understanding how it affects the world around you. If we’re all imbued with the ability to tap into the magic that is love, why, then is there so much awfulness in the world? What’s preventing us from living the edicts of some wise men who called for us to “be excellent to each other?” Seth wants you to know that that’s from Bill & Ted. It’ll come back later.

 

Why don’t wizards and witches have wrist straps on their wands so they’re able to hold onto them if the get disarmed? Why doesn’t Gambit excite the kinetic energy in the air around him to fly? Why didn’t anyone bother to notice that Peter Pettigrew was on Marauder’s Map the whole time? Why doesn’t Gandalf just give the rings to the eagles to fly to Mount Doom instead of making the fellowship traipse all across Middle Earth?

 

Because without careful consideration as to how the power—the magic that is love—works, it has no effect.

 

Too obscure? Consider this example from author Mark Manson:

 

Fifty years ago, John Lennon wrote a song called, “All You Need is Love.” He was selfish, physically and verbally abusive, and all around pretty terrible. Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called “Love is Not Enough.” Despite Reznor’s fame being somewhat based in self-destructive shock value, he got clean, married one person, had two children with her, and then cancelled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father.

 

“One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems. One of them did not. One of these men was a narcissistic tool. One of them is not.

 

In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the panacea for all our pains and struggles. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay the price.

 

When we believe that ‘all we need is love,’ then, like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility, and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff — all of the hard stuff?

 

But if, like Reznor, we remember that ‘love is not enough,’ then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.”

 

In this way, it can be said that, whereas love is magic, a relationship is technology—the thorough understanding of the underlying techniques, skills, methods, and processes it takes to sustain and reveal that magic. “It’s not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you.” That’s right: being in a successful relationship makes you Batman. You’re welcome, Seth.

 

Your love can keep you from speaking of what is bothering you, leaving it to fester into an explosive fight later, but your relationship skills can give you the courage to have uncomfortable conversations that resolve issues and build trust. Your love can lead you to force each other to talk immediately about issues, but the technology of your relationship can give you the patience to know when to step away. Your love can lead you to share everything, but this technology can give you the acceptance to know that Elisa is not going to go see horror movies or watch awkward comedies. That’s a fact. That’s an actual fact. And you are bound to discover more techniques and skills for fostering a loving home for you and the family you raise. Technology marches forward, and, so, too, should your relationship grow and change over time.

 

When the magic of love is infinite and applied through the technology of cunning relationship skills, you unlock that special level that is marriage. This is how a wedding can simultaneously be an end and a beginning. Today is the culmination of all your hard work in the search for infinity. Today, your solo quest ceases, and your team mission commences. Today, you affirm your commitment to blend the magic and technology necessary to make it last forever, for your future to be whatever you make.

 

So let’s make it a good one. For those who don’t know, Jewish tradition dictates the signing of a document called a ketubah to solemnize and legitimize a marriage. Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us together today.

 

As an interfaith couple who will raise children in the Jewish tradition

 

[All: TRADITION]

 

Thanks for that. You have chosen to honor tradition by signing this ketubah, but you break away by outlining not just Seth’s responsibilities to Elisa, but your duties to one another, the home you share, and the family you will raise.

 

Because they have chosen to write this together, I’m going to put them on the spot and make them read it out loud. Seth, why don’t you start?

 

[Seth and Elisa take turns reading parts of the ketubah until they reach the end with ‘So Say We All’]

 

So say we all. If you were paying attention, that Bill & Ted line came back. Told you it would.

 

Now, before we sign this ketubah, I understand that you each have vows you have written to each other. I also understand that Elisa is not going to let Seth go first, so take it away, E.

 

[Elisa reads her vows. They are great]

 

Good luck following that, Seth.

 

[Seth reads/sings/performs/puppets/dances his vows?]

 

I notice there was nothing in there about being punctual. Smooth.

 

Elisa. Seth. This beautifully designed contract, designed by Rachel—you go, Rachel—will hang in your home forever as a reminder of your commitment. Once signed, your Maid of Honor and one of your Best Men of Justice will sign as witnesses. Seth, who will witness this ketubah?

 

[Seth: Dan]

 

This means that you, Adam, will sign the marriage license following the ceremony and sing the ceremonial pop duet. Hope you’ve been practicing.

 

Each of you please sign.

 

[They do the thing]

 

With your signatures, you’ve solidified your permanent and immutable bond. Your children and your children’s children will be able to look back on it and know the continuity of who you are together extends beyond this moment and throughout time. Much like the chuppah we stand beneath, this will symbolize your home wherever it is displayed.

 

Of course, your future hasn’t been written yet. No one’s has. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves. Where I come from, people sometimes wear rings to remind them to ‘Choose the Right’. These rings, however, represent a different idea. Skylar, may I have the rings?

 

[Skylar bears the rings]

 

Cast in precious metals and adorned with precious stones, these rings are a symbol to ‘Choose to Love’. They are practical, physical signs of the magic and technology you now wield. Present them to each other as you say these words.

 

Seth, repeat after me.

 

[Seth: Repeat after me]

 

You’re the worst. I, Seth Hans Thygesen, take you as my wife and give you this ring in chaotically good marriage as a token that you’re my favorite.

 

[Seth repeats]

 

Elisa, repeat after me.

 

[Elisa: Repeat after me]

 

You deserve each other. I, Elisa Roseanne Richter, take you as my husband and give you this ring in lawfully good marriage as a token that you’re my favorite.

 

[Elisa repeats]

 

Well, I think now is the time where we ask you, the friends and family-

 

[Seth: (actually) Actually, I had this great idea. I see what you’re saying about applying the methods of technology to the power of magic, and I wanted to show that off.]

 

I don’t know what that means

 

[Seth: It means that I’ve developed a spell.]

 

You developed a spell?

 

[Seth: That’s what I said, yeah. You guys want to see it? All right, great. Dan, may I have my wand, please? Thanks kupo. (He attempts to cast the spell) Bangarang! (Seth’s wand bursts into flame and the lights go out). That... wasn’t supposed to happen.]

 

[Elisa: All right, all right, let me try. Brooke, may I have my wand, please? Thanks, squish. (She attempts to cast the spell) Bangarang! (Elisa’s attempt is more successful, but she also fails) At least my wand didn’t explode.]

 

It’s the little things. Look, guys, aren’t you forgetting something?

 

[Seth: Probably not. I’m surprisingly well-rested today]

 

We’ve talked about magic and technology as it applies to your relationship, but I was trying to tell you about what it means to have a community. Hundreds or even thousands of people were involved in the development of the technology we use every day. The beauty of this wedding would not have happened without the love and support from those who worked in your living room, lent an ear to your ideas and struggles, shared meals with you while you worked, understood when you couldn’t be social, traveled great distances to witness this moment, and bore the financial burden to help in any way they could. The collective knowledge and wisdom of your community is an invaluable resource; one that you both should tap into when you reach a point where your own knowledge fails you. True wisdom comes in knowing what you don’t know.

 

So many others have walked this path before you, and still others will walk it after. Remember that these are the people who love you. These are the people who believe in you. These are the people who support you and want you to succeed. They wield the magic of love, too. And every single one of them found a wand suitable to channel that magic.

 

Why don’t you invite them to share in the power of the spell?

 

[Seth: I don’t know…]

 

You get a +2 bonus against the DC for this spell for each person that successfully casts it.

 

[Seth: Let’s do it. But let’s maybe get a little more space. Wedding party, can you help everyone to the courtyard?]

 

[Everyone is moved to the courtyard]

 

[Seth: Adam, may I have my emergency back-up wand. Thanks, muffin. (Seth will teach everyone the spell) All right, all together on three. One, two, three, Bangarang!]

 

[Someone activates the SNOW. We’ve got snow, guys. And then the lights. String, string, string, string, everything. They come on in a wave. It’s gorram magical. You’re welcome, America]

 

As this wedding’s DM, and by the authority of the State of California, I pronounce you husband and wife. Kiss her or something.

 

[Dan will present the glass to break. Seth will break it. Mozel tov! BANGARANG! Crowing! Jump in any time that seems good after this]

 

Friends and family, I present to you: The Thygesens

 

[The party exists. Jerry will tell everyone else what’s up.]